Making my way from Cotton Blossom to Steel Magnolia

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I'll Write When

I don't know when to write.
I don't know what to write for that matter.

Of course, my first goal was to start blogging again after the surprise preemie of Finneas.

But something went wrong as hell..

And things got really bad.

Post Partum Psychosis, my official diagnosis.
The Nothing as I call it, took control of my life.  Eighteen months of my own personal hell.  I cant describe what its like to be a mother who looks at her children and feels nothing.
The Nothing took my ability to love.
The Nothing took everything.

My second attempt at a writing goal was to write when things got better.
Guess what?
They didn't.

After that I said I would write when I got better.  Be brave with my story so that others will be brave with theirs.
Nope..
Turns out 'better' is a rather objective term.

Then comes, I will write about it when Im ready to talk about it. 

Then I decided that I don't really want to talk about it and I don't really have to. What I went through was very intimate and it is well guarded for a reason.

Just know that I was very, very sick but I am working very, very hard to get better.

Besides its a super long and complicate story!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

In just one year

Everything changed..
One year ago tomorrow, my oldest boy, my situation, was diagnosed with epilepsy..
Its been one hell of a year since then..

That moment is one that I will forever carry with me.. Pres had always been different than other kids.. ADHD was obvious. The Aspergers became obvious the more I learned about it. In fact it became obvious that my Father and I are both Aspies, my grandmother probably was too..
The poor kid had been diagnosed with everything but there was always something that didn't quite line up..
Epilepsy hit me like a ton of bricks.. Everything else had been behavioral or developmental.. Epilepsy isn't just another quirk.
"This is a seizure, in fact these are all seizures.." Who in the hell was this Dr. Dave anyway I thought as i watched him point at his little computer screen..
"He has epilepsy" I heard echoing through my entire body. Just ringing louder and truer every time my heart beat. It didn't feel real. It COULDN'T be real. Then i felt something on me knee. Looked down and saw this Dr Dave's hand.. Mrs Tangman?
I fell back into reality with what felt like a house on top of me, it felt hot.. Oh god.. I grabbed the trash can next to me and barfed..
Just me, Pres, Dr Dave and can full of barf.. Dr Dave laughed and said something about how his wife was pregnant for a few years too..
Oh yea.. I'm pregnant.. ha ha..
Here's his prescriptions, a joke about Tri-scare and a reference to Comicon.. Have a safe drive home..
The hour long drive home.. SUCKED! I couldn't cry.. Or i didn't want t0 cry in front of him.. Pres was pretty used to seeing new docs and specialist but this was the first one who glued things to his head and made his Mommy puke..
So many things ran through my head.. How could my baby boy have been having 300 seizures a day and I didn't notice.. How was i going to call James and tell him that? How DARE my own family not believe me when i kept insisting that something else was wrong? Why do i have to fight the urge to run my truck over the side of this bridge?

How am I going to handle this?

I was already in a bad place.. I had just gotten the devastating news that the child i was carrying was in fact, another little boy..
Yea i said it, devastating.. It was crushing. It took the breath from my lips and ripped a whole in my heart the size of a matriarchy.. But that's for another day..

This whole blog is pretty much about the last year and how awful its been.. How its changed me. How I've "coped" with it.. How I lost all of my confidence as a Mom and a woman. How my marriage has gone to shit, my house looks like an A&E series, how my kids have been wearing the same dirty pj's for 2 days and all i want to do is make a fucking lamp out of mason jars because i have checked out.. In fact i checked out 6 months ago.. Some where in the haze of learning epilepsy, the fog of post partum psychosis and the shallow lie of my husband being anywhere but rehab, I stopped giving a shit..
And Guess What?? Nothing happened..
And then came a wake up call..
PTS or Perform to Serve..
Pretty much, its not looking like were going to be a navy family anymore.. And that sucks.. We pretty much depend on Tri-care to take care of Pres..
We will find out in less than 2 weeks.. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day.. I am so not ready for this..
I think I'm going to barf..